What’s Fair?

This morning I spotted a woman I know who was suddenly visibly pregnant (what’s up with that sudden visibility anyway?) Long story short, she met her husband, they were married within months and now they’re pregnant.  I know her husband well and know that he’s wanted to find someone to start a family with for a while.  I know he must be over the moon about the pregnancy and while I can find happiness for them, I can’t quite shut off that sneaky little voice that says “It’s not fair!”

The following is a quest to discover if, by definition of the word ‘fair,’ my infertility journey is in fact fair or not.  I’ve taken the phrase “It’s not fair!” and replaced the word ‘fair’ with definitions from Merriam Webster.  Let’s see what happens!

1. : pleasing to the eye or mind especially because of fresh, charming, or flawless quality

“It’s not pleasing, fresh or flawless!” Agree.  I often times feel like I’m less attractive than fertile women.  Like there is something womanly missing….and then there is the drug induced acne….

2. : superficially pleasing : specious <she trusted his fair promises>

“It’s not superficially pleasing.”  Agree. You cannot see infertility, unless through the lens of a hangover post unsuccessful cycle…  Under my personal lens, all pregnant women seem to be happy and fulfilled, but if my fertility drug-induced symptoms are any indication, I think that pregnant women are quite possibly as uncomfortable as I am, so the truth is that on the outside they look the happiest but maybe that’s not the whole truth. – I still hate them. NO I DON’T but it felt funny to me to write that – grumpy cat humor is my style!

3. : clean, pure <fair sparkling water>

“It’s not clean!” Disagree – Recently I have had more alcohol wiped on me than a CPR dummy. I’m clean.

“It’s not pure!” Agree – nothing natural going on with IVF until it works!

4. : not stormy or foul : fine <fair weather>

“It’s not stormy or foul!”  Disagree –  It is both of those things – especially the recent onset of acne.

5. : ample <a fair estate>

“It’s not ample!”  Agree- you are right not my eggs, not my numbers, oh but my lbs and my boobs are so maybe that one’s a 50/50

6. : marked by impartiality and honesty : free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism <a very fair person to do business with

“It’s not honest!” Disagree – it’s incredibly, heartbreaking-ly honest.

“It’s not free from self-interest blah blah blah” – Disagree- It is totally steeped in self-interest

7. : conforming with the established rules : allowed

“It’s not allowed!” Disagree – because clearly it is…

“It’s against the rules!”  Agree – the rules go out the window with IF.

8. : open to legitimate pursuit, attack, or ridicule <fair game>

“It’s open to attack.” Disagree – with so many meds in your body, the attacks would be futile.

Also, agree though because the misunderstandings and unwanted advice do feel like personal attacks.

9.: promising, likely <in a fair way to win>

“It’s not promising.  It’s not likely.” – Skipping this one all together…..

10. : favorable to a ship’s course <a fair wind>

It’s not favorable to my course!  Agree! it is not according to my well thought out life’s plan 🙂

11. : archaic : free of obstacles

“It’s not free of obstacles!”  Agree – and tell me about it.

12. : not dark <fair skin>

“It’s not not dark!”  My brain hurts with this one – NEXT!

13. : sufficient but not ample : adequate <a fair understanding of the work>

“It’s sufficient, but not ample.”  Agree.  Welcome to every AMH, follicle and progesterone test of my life.

14. : moderately numerous, large, or significant <takes a fair amount of time>

“It’s not large or significant!” Disagree.  It it so large and significant…. and takes more than a fair amount of time.

So here’s the final score:

Agree= 9

Disagree=7

Unsure/Skipped = 2

The verdict is in.  My IF journey is both fair and not fair according to Merriam Webster and my rationale.  I guess that leaves me with a choice.  I can choose to either be angry or not angry.

I think I’ll chose chocolate. xo

7 Days Closer To The Insane Asylum Playlist

I’m at the 1/2 way point of the 2ww and losing my mind, quietly, mind you and without needing ANY MORE ADVICE from anyone who has not been through the infertility journey.  Demanding? Yes, but this is why I started writing my own blog :).  In an effort to keep the spirits up, I have created a virtual “mix tape” of songs to listen to for the various stages of an IVF cycle.  Enjoy!

  In the beginning, when even starting the cycle feels doubtful:

Fix You – Cold Play – when you try your best but you don’t succeed

Shake It Out – Florence and the Machine – I am done with my graceless heart so tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

A Little Bit Stronger – Sara Evans – I’m busy gettin’ stronger

Breathe Again– Sara Bareilles – all I am, all I need is the air I would kill to breathe

I Will Not Be Broken – Bonnie Raitt – you can hold me but you can’t hold what’s within

During stimms/follicle updates:

puffer-fish

All The Right Moves – One Republic – in all the right places

Bigger Than My Body – John Mayer – yes I’m grounded, got my wings clipped

Follow You Down – Gin Blossoms – but not that far

Water Is Wide – James Taylor – she’s loaded deep, as deep can be

Which Way To Happy – The Magic Numbers – totally self explanatory…..

During the two week wait:

impatience

The Waiting  – Tom Petty & The Heart Breakers – you take it on faith, you take it to the heart, the waiting is the hardest part

I Will Wait – Mumford and Sons – so I’ll be bold as well as strong and use my head alongside my heart

Under Pressure – Queen and David Bowie – insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking can’t we give ourselves one more chance?

Rollin – Limp Bizkit – shut the **** up and back the **** up

To be continued……..and please share your submissions!
fearandanxiety-280x210

Friends You’ve Never Met…

WhatHeCanExpectWhenShesNotExpecting.grid-3x2 My DH and I are 100% teammates throughout this whole process.  High-fives happen after PIO injections, texts of “I need a pep talk captain” are responded to with supportive affirmations that we are doing everything we can. I gave him a book called “What to Expect When She’s Not Expecting” – it’s been a great resource for both of us.  I have noticed that every once in a while, he needs a break, time to recharge – bench time if you will –  that allows him to shut down and prepare for the next day.  Truth be told, I am sometimes jealous because he can get away from it all and I unfortunately, cannot separate myself from my body – not even for a minute….

Reaching out to support groups and the resolve.org message boards has been a source of comfort, information and most recently friendship.  Last week, I corresponded with people who I have not met in person more than with people who I’ve known for years.  I’ve been drawn in by the quick, compassionate and empathetic responses to texts, facebook posts and message boards happening from people I have never even laid eyes on and in some cases, didn’t even know their real name.  In a moment of weakness, I even texted one of my new ‘friends’ before I texted my DH as I knew she would get back to me quick and know exactly what to say.  wichita-fitting-in

On the morning of my retrieval, I received facebook messages of encouragement from two women that I met only two weeks before. As I read their words, I welled up with tears, touched by someone taking the time out to remember little old me on this very intense day.  The words weren’t deep or lengthy but held the sentiment that said “I’m remembering you so that you know you have additional support today.”  All at once, I didn’t feel so alone….

A week into stimms, an IVF veteran came and walked with me for an hour to talk and get some safe exercise in.  She took time out of her day to help a sister out.  I was floored and so grateful that someone would choose to spend their time with me to help me through a hard day.

The point? I think I’ve found my people or at least it feels like I’ve found them.  I’ve never experienced the outreach that has happened since reaching out. There is something amazing about empathy.  It opens so many doors to friendships that hobbies, professions, and living arrangements cannot come close to.  According to Brene Brown:

Empathy is cultivated by courage, compassion, and connection, and is the most powerful antidote to shame.

empathy2It’s as if when they shipped us our IF meds, they included a vial for empathy – we know what it feels like and we also know that others have a very hard time understanding the depth of this journey.  To all of the friends that I’ve made, to those who have offered support, words of encouragement and sentiments of “I know how it feels,” I thank you from the very bottom of my grateful heart.  I can only hope to do the same for you.  ad6564145ae5f6c2f827c8bb1ab2fa85

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What Does ‘Think Positive’ Mean???

imagesI received a text today from a friend who is a mom of a two month old and a two year old: “Just think positive – it’s all you can do right?”  I texted back “Yup – but what does that even mean?” and then quickly erased the “but what does that even mean?” as to not be perceived as negative because positive = good and negative = bad.  WRONG!

Take for example two magnets.  I know in my limited knowledge that putting together two positive sides of the magnets will result in them repelling each other.  The same will happen with two negatively ended magnets.  Yet we never hear the phrase “Two rights don’t make a wrong!” We only hear “Two wrongs don’t make a right!” Hmmmm….

There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light get’s in! – Leonard Cohen

1003961_617545774930105_1163781059_nLet’s look at the yin yang symbol, the sun and moon, the heat and cold and hell two eggs and no sperm.  There is a balance between many things in this world that is there to help development and growth happen.  We might not like it and believe me, before IF and at the beginning of the TTC journey, sometimes I wished that I could just make it happen myself if Ior my husband had worked late, were tired or just over that stage of trying.  I wish I could’ve “thought my way positively” into pregnancy, but alas….

The following is totally my opinion from my journey and not meant to challenge or offend anyone’s personal coping mechanisms.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we need negativity or challenge  in our lives to teach us the coping skills/strength to push forward or press on.   In the IF journey, we need a little heartache and a dose of reality because, WHY ELSE WOULD WE INJECT OURSELVES FULL OF DRUGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN? If we hadn’t been faced with the reality that there may be no other way to become mothers and fathers, would we willingly attempt to adopt thil_570xN.427452005_swuqe habits of an IV drug user? At this point in my journey, I’m fully confident that I could revive Uma Thurman from a heroin overdose without blinking…

I think the paranoid thoughts I had at the beginning of this IVF cycle kept me safe.  They let me acknowledge worst case scenarios, understand my choices and avoid walking around like a Stepford wifestepford-wife on massive doses of hormones.  Now, in the glow/paranoia of post-transfer and two week wait, I’m ready for a change.  Just like all of us, I’m ready to move on from this journey, to be pregnant and to finally be a mother.  That’s where I am now and I acknowledge that it might not be over just yet.

Confession: I started fantasizing and looking at baby stuff, just for like 15 seconds at a time, constantly looking over my shoulder as if someone c972141_472769056132764_1868390393_nould see and quickly x-ing out the screen and holding my breath like I had taken a secret drag of a cigarette and didn’t want anyone to know.   (I don’t smoke, but the analogy seemed appropriate) The truth about this is that while I am thinking positive there’s a little voice that tells me I might totally be setting myself up if things don’t work out.  So today, I changed my game.

This morning, I looked down at my hopefully someday soon round belly and said.  “Ok body, I’m gonna need you to pay attention and get down to business.  I’d like to acknowledge that I’m resting, eating well and doing the best I can to support you.  I’m going to need you to step it up internally.  Do your thing, it’s your time to shine – show me what your capable of! We’re in this together and in it to win it!  Let’s grow these cells!” (my father is a huge sports fan and coaching analogies seem to work for me) Mom_coaching_t-ball_girls_3Once I was done with my pep talk, I decided that I needed to keep up with the words of encouragement and also questions throughout the day.  “Hey body? What do you need right now?” I am so much more comfortable with “Thinking Supportive” than I am with “Think Positive.”  I’m not sure if it feels like I have more control over it (probably so) or if it just feels more realistic. It’s also a practice that allows me to check in with me, rather than thinking the benign “Everything is Gonna Be OK…” I get it, but.. meh…

This week I saw a little bit of energy that my husband and I created together put back inside of me.  We made this happen.  We worked HARD for this to happen and we are still working hard.  I am going to do the very best I can to support the growth 0f what we’ve started and at this point, I’m not going to give everything up to the universe to wait and see if I am given permission to love something because of a positive test (there’s that word again…) I love what is going on inside already and no matter what the outcome is, I think that loving myself is a great practice for me.

To those of you who receive comfort in thinking positive, I say do what works for you and hold on to it when it works! I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject and what’s helped you through this process!

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The Two Week Wait…To Be Continued and Continued and Continued

“The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to the uncertainty.”

David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionaryhow-long-does-it-take-from-ovulation-to-implantation

So this is it Day 4 of 14 of the 2ww.  10 days to go.  240 hours… 14,400 minutes, 864,000 seconds which amounts to approximately A LOT of what if, controlling, searching for answer-type thoughts.

The quote above snapped me into reality last night.  As if little old me could find the answer or the antidote to my question of uncertainty: Will this cycle result in a BFP?  I realized that I have to give my little cells the space to grow and settle in.  I want those cells to snuggle up and get nice and comfortable, like my dog when he sinks into the pillows on the bed and can’t work his way out! I can’t rush them and I certainly can’t predict the future (otherwise I would never have ended up here in the first place!) I have to stay the course and somehow survive the next ten days.  My fear is that I’ve never made it to day 10.  But I am committed that this time will be different – my mind is in a different place, my body and my heart.  I see signs of encouragement every day.  I must continue to pay attention and to turn inward.

Silly Infertile Confession:
Yesterday I ordered a stuffed, smiley-faced uterus.  Yup, I’m that girl.  I thought if I had something that I could physically cuddle, then maybe i could do that rather than google random pregnancy shit ALL DAY LONG.  Uterus_Plush_ToySo thanks to Amazon Prime, that’s what I”m going to do for the next 10 days – cuddle the shit out of that uterus and take the mental pressure off of my real one.  She’s worked so hard already right?

To all of you in the 2ww – together we are better and if you need to buy a stuffed uterus too, I won’t tell if you don’t! xo

 

 

 

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Too Much Too Soon

I would like to explain the excessive use of the “F” word in my latest posts.  I feel that it has been the perfect expletive to describe the slight pseudo psychosis that has walked beside me since the beginning of this journey.  If you are bothered by it, simply replace that word with something nicer, like “pickle” or “fence.”  In the meantime, thanks for bearing with me…

1005563_10152948279465603_1351971487_n

Today is Wednesday. Today I returned to work.  I had my embryo transfer on Monday, bed/couch rested for Monday and Tuesday and thought that according to recommended schedule that Wednesday would be a great day to return.  I had clients set up and ready to go and felt that it was time to go back. Actually, more appropriately, I really felt that if I took more time off than was recommended, I would be seen as taking advantage, over reacting or being paranoid.  Sometimes the threat of being misunderstood causes me put my self on a shelf and press on, regardless of how it will affect me in the end..  So I got up, got set and got to work.  Immediately upon walking through the door, I realized this was a bad idea.

I’m normally not a morning person in general, but throughout the IF process I have receded further into the non-morning person category and am now in the “please don’t speak to me before noon if you want to keep your head on” category.  Between the extreme fatigue, headaches, body aches and morning bathroom checks to make sure there is no evidence of AF, as well as remembering to get a wholesome breakfast in before 7:30, I am lucky if I can muster up a smile before 9am.  It was now 8am and I was in pure first-morning-back-at-work panic.  I walked through the door of my business and was immediately overcome by a wave of anxiety.  It hit me hard and fast – work was the place where I was to take care of others.

expectationsWork is the place where there are expectations, where my true personal life takes a back seat to the needs of the business, the staff and the clients.  Work is not the place where I can go and be my 100% self.  Now, I’m not a phoney at work, I actively practice authenticity and bring my personality into my business daily – it’s what makes my business special.  I would say that 75% of my full self is present at work and the other 25% is for home, behind closed doors and with my DH.  As the business owner, teacher, boss and community member, I can’t afford to share my deepest darkest struggles or fears with everyone and honestly, that’s not what my clients are paying for. Through this process, distractions are fantastic, but today it was too new, too raw and I realized I hadn’t given myself time to transition from bed/couch rest back to professional life.

tumblrkpxypmjqro1qzv9mhOn this day, I didn’t want to have to forget about what was hopefully growing inside.  I wanted my thoughts to be focused and nurturing to myself, and not to others.  I wanted to be selfish and self-centered for once. I wanted to be 100% myself – good and warm, bad and paranoid and more than anything, I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I saw my first two clients and tried to keep the thoughts at bay.  “How can I help this person understand without using hands on cuing?” “Is it ok to ask a 74 year Take_a_Break_4fa26c7f54347old to pick up this heavy piece of equipment for me”  It was too much too soon.  I was not 100% after 2 procedures over a period of 5 days.  I was healing and assimilating to the thoughts of what it means to be gentle with yourself.  I was considering pregnancy and even motherhood (but not too much just yet!)  I realized that if it were one of my clients, I would have sent me home.  So I tool my own advice and went home.  Immediately, I felt better.

I’ve taken care of doctor’s appointments, insurance claims, enrolled in support groups, read the books, asked the questions, administered the meds, taught others to administer the meds, switched to decaf or nothing, stopped drinking, survived bad news, walked the dog, cancelled travel, taken the vitamins, educated those who would listen, gone to acupuncture, fertility yoga and instituted a daily meditation practice into my routine.Selfcare-300x200  However, all of these tasks are simply that – tasks.  Tasks are things to be completed, sometimes under the guise of self care, but I have realized that tasks only take care of 75% of me.  It’s the 25% of emotions, inspiration, apprehension, gratitude, faith and yes hope that I need to cultivate in my day.  So for today, I’m a 25% girl and tomorrow, I’ll be back at work, with a little more readiness after spending the time to take care of me today.

Thank you for listening.

 

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The Advice…….Oh The Advice……

The problem with most advice is not that it’s bad or ill intentioned, but that it’s devoid of context. 

– The Big Enough Company

Throughout this journey I’ve been blessed with support from family, friends and weirdly strangers.  But every so often (realistically every day) someone somewhere offers up a gem or two that knocks my infertile socks off!  Here are some of my favorites:
Weird Forms Of Encouragement:

unwanted-advice__large

You’re going through IVF – THAT’S AWESOME!!! (f0r who?)

Just like Giuliana (Rancic) – HOW COOL!! (oohh I’m like totally in the in crowd now! yippee!)

It’s totally going to work out! (your optimism is more irritating than this patch of estrogen on my stomach)

I can see you as a mother. (good for you)

You can always adopt! (like at PAWS? it’s a little more complicated than that…)

It’s like your own personal science experiment! (yes, I’ve always wanted to perform experiments on myself – IDIOT!)

I’ll give you your shots! (just fucking weird…)

06

 

 

 

 

 

Weird, Best Intentioned, Totally Insulting Advice:

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Just go hold babies at the Children’s Hospital! (like that’s a normal thing one could do…)

I have this friend who….. and now she has 12 kids – would you want to talk to her? (um no.)

At least you can still drink!!! (yes alcoholism sounds like a totally reasonable alternative to motherhood – good call!)

Maybe the universe is telling you something? (yes – that you are an asshole)

Have you read the Secret? (just back away…. quickly)

You just need to manifest your baby! (Right because I’m manifesting your sudden decapitation, but that’s not happening either…)

Just Relax! (Just back away – faster!)

Maybe you should stop trying? (last time I checked, not having sex is called abstinence and according to the after school specials, it’s the best form of birth control – but good one -real  smart..)

mutantGo get drunk and have crazy sex! (this is when my Resident Evil mutant appears from my mouth to end you.)

And Finally, Unsolicited, Pregnancy-Myth-Infused, Uninformed, Suggests That I Must be Mentally Impaired As To Not Have Considered Any Of This, Advice:

I don’t know if you’ve thought about this, but have you considered:

Adoption?

Acupuncture?

Chinese Herbs?

A Shaman?05

Reiki?

Drum Circle?

Gluten Free?

Fertility Fountain?

Baptism?

Raw Meat?

Crystals?

Meditation?f668b9e34a25b9f75e5bd43cd214da3c-1

Smelling a Pregnant Woman? (I’m not fucking kidding on this one)

Gong Bath?

Legs In The Air After Sex?

Neti Pot?

Exorcism?

Chakra Alignment?

Cupping?

Yoga?

Tai Chi?Cheering-crowd

Pilates?

Porn?

Crack Cocaine? (crackheads always get pregnant)

and my personal favorite:

“JUST….GET……A…..SURROGATE!!!” (insert Price is Right cheers HERE)
If you want to help out a woman or couple struggling with infertility and not be listed on a ranting blog post, please visit any of the following links and learn more.

Helpful Links:

The Truth About Trying

When Infertility Strikes

Myths and Facts About Infertility

Infertility Etiquette

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Failure or Feedback?

This was written following my first unsuccessful medicated IUI cycle:

Sometimes I find myself being consciously caught in a lesson.  This time it happened in the Whole Foods checkout line, while attempting 582261_10151159706090836_1012392550_nto soothe myself through purchasing a majorly big bag of Jane’s popcorn (the best popcorn ever – like ever!) The theme of this lesson? Complete failure.  Below average results. Hard work and heartache followed by additional bad news.  As the many Jewish Mama’s in my life would say (with my own special spelling) OY VEY SCHMEAR!!!!! I spell it like that based on the fact that it felt like the failure had been “schmeared” all over me…..

My realization came about because of that horrible question – “How are you doing today?”  At this point in the week, I’d resigned to answering    that question with some nonsensical word like “Pineapple.”  This way, I wouldn’t have to lie and I could maybe even giggle at the ridiculousness of it all.  After exchanging the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” sentiments, the clerk said to me “he puts us on this world not for ourselves, but for each other.”

718d701b9571e39d3c2e7c5374a839abI gained a little perspective in that moment as I am used to being in the roll of helper and/or friend.  Here was this stranger who was teaching me a life lesson that dwarfed the enormous bag of popcorn that I had planned to devour and she was helping me. And I could be vulnerable and accept the help.

Sometimes all we need is to be seen, listened to and heard. Sometimes when someone listens, really listens and acknowledges that your fear is real, and that they understand that you find comfort in asking questions, everything seems to deflate a little bit and you can breathe again…..

I realized that my failure was not the definition of me.  It was not a reflection of who I am, who I was or who I was trying to be.  It was simply a form of gathering information. A form of feedback.  Trusting my gut, I recognized that this particular ambition was not on my path. I realized that I was chasing something that would not ultimately serve me.  And I let it go. With a handful of Jane’s popcorn (and a glass of pinot noir) I let that sucker go.

a420bde4ed21efd7d78eaffe3fa3babaWe must remember that everything is simply information gathering. Everything is valuable and if we can navigate through the feelings of a perceived failure, we can begin to find the feedback that will allow us to make our next move.  There are no guarantees and we can’t change the circumstances, but we do have the ability to change the experience that we have with those circumstances.

And by the way…… I ate the whole bag :).

HOPE can be a four letter word

I’m a rookie, a newbie, a recruit and a pioneer of my own reproductive system. If this process weren’t so painful, I’d find it more fascinating. Nothing is constant, everything is in flow, each new piece of information seems really, really good and then I find out that it’s actually not great in the scheme of things. It reminds me of playing super mario brothers as a kid. I could beat a few levels and then would get stuck spinning my wheels until a neighborhood kid found a secret code to get me past the hard levels and onto the good stuff. Isn’t there an “AABAupdownupdown” combo that I can use? Nintendo_Entertainment_System_Model

Today I got my progesterone levels back after an IUI. It’s a level 33. My best ever. Each time these pieces of good news come, the curtain lifts on a new act of this play. The scene is set at a garden party, everyone is enjoying the flora and fauna but there is an air of complacency in the room. Enter HOPE… She comes in a little tipsy with a womanly sensuality that is contagious and inspiring. Flowers become a little brighter, the sun shines a little warmer and all of a sudden, things are going to be ok – better than ok! n1547968027_30085353_6758But you see, as HOPE mingles her way through the party, guests start getting jealous of the attention that she’s giving to one guy in particular: WORSTCASESCENARIO or WSC, who takes advantage of this poor innocent creature, reeling her in further, only to sweep the rug out from under her in a moments notice. My WCS sends a rapid fire barrage of data, BFN’s of women in similar situations as I am, or sending a gaggle of happy babies and moms in front of me every day during the 2WW.

I read somewhere recently that the IF process makes you “Hope’s Bitch.” I laughed, but now that I think of it, HOPE less of a power player and more like a child herself. Innocent, optimistic, trusting, dreaming and believing that miracles will happen.

Here’s my problem. When I let HOPE in, WSC follows in uninvited and mentally/verbally abuses HOPE until she is broken down. My HOPE right now is beat up, needs a rest, some resiliency and a break – she really likes wine btw… She needs time to recover, but there is another character in this “reproductive review” called COURAGE. Stemming from the french word coeur, meaning heart, the love inside is the only language that COURAGE b0560c6e24ebc94bca6748bb024f1a2funderstands. COURAGE keeps pressing HOPE forward – it’s her cheerleader, it knows how she feels but reminds her of times when she persevered and succeeded at the most impossible of challenges. Without COURAGE, HOPE is a sitting duck for WCS’s most violent assaults.

The tricky part for me is remembering that it’s possible to be courageous and scared at the same moment and that this vulnerability is actually the greatest source of strength I have available to me. It’s also important for me to remember that it’s ok to not be externally happy and that normally when I am “faking happiness” it is more for the comfort zone of others rather than my own. It takes courage for someone to step into this journey with me, and while that doesn’t mean that I have to share every step of the way with everyone, it also doesn’t mean that I have to hide my struggle or my pain.

In the very beginning, I heard “Don’t lose hope! or faith! or think positive or make space in your heart!” The obligatory “Just Relax and Don’t Stress” f668b9e34a25b9f75e5bd43cd214da3c-1are always soon to follow. I realized that stress and tension are biproducts of what is actually going on. I’m scared. Scared that I will never know what it is to be pregnant and more that I’ll never know what it’s like to be a mother of my own child or if I’ll be able to mother a child that’s not biologically mine. It’s all very scary….and then I remember that it’s possible to be scared and courageous at the same time. And I look at what my heart feels inside – my heart knows love, my heart knows only love and trying to preserve that love is the struggle. Trying to support hope through love is the challenge. I think I’ve figured out the pain – it won’t take it away, but at least I can name it for myself. In the body, pain is a noxious stimulus; a signal that danger is eminent. The pain of this process for me is that when pain occurs, I know it’s a signal that my inner light is flickering and that the love in my heart needs some attention. I’ve started talking to myself like a child – “it’s ok, you are ok, feel the feeling and it will lessen.” I think of how I will nurture my child when they come. I want them to know love inside and out and in order to do that, I have to teach myself first.

originalSO, on this day, with HOPE LOVE and COURAGE in my corner, I am giving up blame – of myself, my body, god, the universe, my dance career, my business. Everything does not happen for a reason. It just happens and we have to figure out our way through it. I give myself permission to reach out, to hide, to cry and to laugh. I allow myself to embrace my new “electric boobs” and my expanding hips as they are both a reflection of my commitment that I’ve made to being courageous for myself.

For those of you who read this, we each have our own journey and this is the articulation of mine thus far. I respect each of you and the journey that you are on and I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my journey in a safe place.

Holding You Back…….Juuuust A Little Bit……..GANiRELIX

ganirelixTonight I took my Ganerelix shot, rumored to be less intense than lupron, Ganerlix is normally used on women suffering from DOR (diminished ovarian reserve.)  According to Wikipedia:

Ganirelix is used as a fertility treatment drug for women. Specifically, it is used to prevent premature ovulation in women undergoing fertility treatment involving ovarian hyperstimulation that causes the ovaries to produce multiple eggs. When such premature ovulation occurs, the eggs released by the ovaries may be too immature to be used in in-vitro fertilisation. Ganirelix prevents ovulation until it is triggered by injecting human chorionic gonadotrophin (hCG).[1]

What gets me though is the fact that people are using HCG for weight loss on a regular (hollywood) basis because it’s supposed to help you lose weight…. RIGHT!!!

Tonight’s shot hurt……. makes me feel silly for doing toning work before this process. In every other scenario, tone and muscle is desired – for shots, not so much..  Two more days of this and estrogen patches, a period and then the true games begin!

buzzy-2

Tomorrow I plan to use my new “buzzy” to help with the sting.  Developed by an ER doc to help her son deal with shots, this could be my saving grace as I transition to the next phase of STIMULATION ooohhhh!!! 😉