This morning I spotted a woman I know who was suddenly visibly pregnant (what’s up with that sudden visibility anyway?) Long story short, she met her husband, they were married within months and now they’re pregnant.  I know her husband well and know that he’s wanted to find someone to start a family with for a while.  I know he must be over the moon about the pregnancy and while I can find happiness for them, I can’t quite shut off that sneaky little voice that says “It’s not fair!”

The following is a quest to discover if, by definition of the word ‘fair,’ my infertility journey is in fact fair or not.  I’ve taken the phrase “It’s not fair!” and replaced the word ‘fair’ with definitions from Merriam Webster.  Let’s see what happens!

1. : pleasing to the eye or mind especially because of fresh, charming, or flawless quality

“It’s not pleasing, fresh or flawless!” Agree.  I often times feel like I’m less attractive than fertile women.  Like there is something womanly missing….and then there is the drug induced acne….

2. : superficially pleasing : specious <she trusted his fair promises>

“It’s not superficially pleasing.”  Agree. You cannot see infertility, unless through the lens of a hangover post unsuccessful cycle…  Under my personal lens, all pregnant women seem to be happy and fulfilled, but if my fertility drug-induced symptoms are any indication, I think that pregnant women are quite possibly as uncomfortable as I am, so the truth is that on the outside they look the happiest but maybe that’s not the whole truth. – I still hate them. NO I DON’T but it felt funny to me to write that – grumpy cat humor is my style!

3. : clean, pure <fair sparkling water>

“It’s not clean!” Disagree – Recently I have had more alcohol wiped on me than a CPR dummy. I’m clean.

“It’s not pure!” Agree – nothing natural going on with IVF until it works!

4. : not stormy or foul : fine <fair weather>

“It’s not stormy or foul!”  Disagree –  It is both of those things – especially the recent onset of acne.

5. : ample <a fair estate>

“It’s not ample!”  Agree- you are right not my eggs, not my numbers, oh but my lbs and my boobs are so maybe that one’s a 50/50

6. : marked by impartiality and honesty : free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism <a very fair person to do business with

“It’s not honest!” Disagree – it’s incredibly, heartbreaking-ly honest.

“It’s not free from self-interest blah blah blah” – Disagree- It is totally steeped in self-interest

7. : conforming with the established rules : allowed

“It’s not allowed!” Disagree – because clearly it is…

“It’s against the rules!”  Agree – the rules go out the window with IF.

8. : open to legitimate pursuit, attack, or ridicule <fair game>

“It’s open to attack.” Disagree – with so many meds in your body, the attacks would be futile.

Also, agree though because the misunderstandings and unwanted advice do feel like personal attacks.

9.: promising, likely <in a fair way to win>

“It’s not promising.  It’s not likely.” – Skipping this one all together…..

10. : favorable to a ship’s course <a fair wind>

It’s not favorable to my course!  Agree! it is not according to my well thought out life’s plan 🙂

11. : archaic : free of obstacles

“It’s not free of obstacles!”  Agree – and tell me about it.

12. : not dark <fair skin>

“It’s not not dark!”  My brain hurts with this one – NEXT!

13. : sufficient but not ample : adequate <a fair understanding of the work>

“It’s sufficient, but not ample.”  Agree.  Welcome to every AMH, follicle and progesterone test of my life.

14. : moderately numerous, large, or significant <takes a fair amount of time>

“It’s not large or significant!” Disagree.  It it so large and significant…. and takes more than a fair amount of time.

So here’s the final score:

Agree= 9

Disagree=7

Unsure/Skipped = 2

The verdict is in.  My IF journey is both fair and not fair according to Merriam Webster and my rationale.  I guess that leaves me with a choice.  I can choose to either be angry or not angry.

I think I’ll chose chocolate. xo