I sometimes wish I had some more commonly known condition to refer to that could help people understand the stress of the two week wait or any of the waits during an IF cycle. I could liken it to waiting to find out if you got into your first choice college or waiting to find out if you got the part or waiting to find out if the offer you put on a new house was accepted. The thing is, while the anxiety is similar, ultimately, the emotions and life altering treatments are not the same. There is disappointment on both ends, but unlike conceiving a child on your own, you can choose another college, try out for a different part, work harder and save more money for the next house that comes along. With IF, you wait, not knowing if you are waiting to receive potentially devastating news or really devastating news. If good news does come, it almost feels like a foreign situation – like when a much younger guy flirts with you at the pizza shop.
Not having had the experience of ever receiving a positive test result, I don’t know what that’s like and don’t even know how I would feel. After all of this, I expect to be overjoyed, but when the expectation thus far has been bad news, it’s hard to think about how it might feel mentally to reach our goal of pregnancy… Like an IF friend said to me today “I just want my f’n baby!” We say this because we know that a positive pregnancy test is not the end or the goal, it’s simply another step – one of many and we just want the calm of knowing it all worked. In reality, we understand that even with a child there will be uncertainties, risks, disappointment and heartaches, but we want our chance to work through them with our own child.
Now, back to the pizza guy – tonight, on day 12 of the 2ww, un-showered and craving pizza, I entered the pizza shop and proceeded to get flirted with (I think!) My thoughts went something like this:
ME??!!! Is he flirting with me? NO….couldn’t possibly be flirting, he is just trying to be nice or get a tip. Wait – no, I think he is flirting – I’m 15 years older than him!! What does one do in this situation? I don’t know?!! What does this mean? Am I hot? Worthy of a flirt? Is he crazy? He’s just making me feel better.. Snap out of it! Your husband’s in the car! Yes, that’s right, husband, the one that injects your meds into your rear every night, who thinks you’re hot even with the extra weight from IF meds and the one who was there squeezing your hand during your transfer. Yeah, pizza guy, you’ve got nothing on my guy so eat your heart out and why don’t you add a piece of that chocolate cake on to my order, for my husband!!
Ok, yeah, I’m eating the cake myself, but it’s the thought that counts! xo