I am two little days before my first blood test (beta) to confirm the pregnancy hormone (HCG).  Wednesday marked the 9th day post transfer and also the day the spotting began….

Now, through consulting Dr. Google, this could be one of 3 (million) things:

1. Implantation Bleeding (your embryo is burrowing it’s way into  the uterine lining)

2. Progesterone Side Effect (I’ve yet to post on the wonders of progesterone, but let’s just say it’s the the gift that keeps on giving)

3. Sign Of The Beginning of AF (period) (also known as worst case scenario)

So what’s a girl to do but visit the bathroom every five minutes to check in, Google the details of the spot and either freak out or totally rest inthe fact that she MUST be pregnant.

There is a special place in hell for some of the doctors who post worst case scenarios on their medical websites.  I think I speak for most that what we want is full-spectrum info that refers to the WCS, but gives some sort of hope that for us it will be different.

I have 3 good IF buddies that I’m in constant contact with and each one of us has a different diagnosis, age and story.  It’s so difficult to base our cycles’ off of others successes and failures so the best we can do is support each other without expectation.   One of the girls I have become friends with texted me fearfully about one of her procedures today.  My instinct was to say “It’s all gonna be fine – I promise!” But as I was about to text those words, I choked because I know for both of us that it may not be fine during this time around and I know that these sentiments really really don’t help those of us in struggle. We need to know that it might not be fine – it’s what allows us to keep going through the bad news and keep hopeful that there will be good news eventually.   I stopped and thought about what would be helpful to her and to me.  I realized that if nothing else, I had found a trusted friend and a person to turn to when I needed someone to tell it to me straight, commiserate or simply be a cheerleader.  We live in separate parts of the world, but we are quick to text each other (sometimes even before we text our husbands!) My friend has become the one true thing I’ve gained that I know I will not lose during this cycle.

Bathroom Break………..

Yep, it’s still there – the spotting. The reminder that the proverbial something is happening inside.  Maybe they are nestling in or maybe it was too much for my system.  Either way, it’s something. Change is the only constant, so I guess for now, I will relish in the fact that my spots are a sign of change and hope that this change is one that is full of life.

xo