I received a text today from a friend who is a mom of a two month old and a two year old: “Just think positive – it’s all you can do right?”  I texted back “Yup – but what does that even mean?” and then quickly erased the “but what does that even mean?” as to not be perceived as negative because positive = good and negative = bad.  WRONG!

Take for example two magnets.  I know in my limited knowledge that putting together two positive sides of the magnets will result in them repelling each other.  The same will happen with two negatively ended magnets.  Yet we never hear the phrase “Two rights don’t make a wrong!” We only hear “Two wrongs don’t make a right!” Hmmmm….

There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light get’s in! – Leonard Cohen

Let’s look at the yin yang symbol, the sun and moon, the heat and cold and hell two eggs and no sperm.  There is a balance between many things in this world that is there to help development and growth happen.  We might not like it and believe me, before IF and at the beginning of the TTC journey, sometimes I wished that I could just make it happen myself if Ior my husband had worked late, were tired or just over that stage of trying.  I wish I could’ve “thought my way positively” into pregnancy, but alas….

The following is totally my opinion from my journey and not meant to challenge or offend anyone’s personal coping mechanisms.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we need negativity or challenge  in our lives to teach us the coping skills/strength to push forward or press on.   In the IF journey, we need a little heartache and a dose of reality because, WHY ELSE WOULD WE INJECT OURSELVES FULL OF DRUGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN? If we hadn’t been faced with the reality that there may be no other way to become mothers and fathers, would we willingly attempt to adopt the habits of an IV drug user? At this point in my journey, I’m fully confident that I could revive Uma Thurman from a heroin overdose without blinking…

I think the paranoid thoughts I had at the beginning of this IVF cycle kept me safe.  They let me acknowledge worst case scenarios, understand my choices and avoid walking around like a Stepford wife on massive doses of hormones.  Now, in the glow/paranoia of post-transfer and two week wait, I’m ready for a change.  Just like all of us, I’m ready to move on from this journey, to be pregnant and to finally be a mother.  That’s where I am now and I acknowledge that it might not be over just yet.

Confession: I started fantasizing and looking at baby stuff, just for like 15 seconds at a time, constantly looking over my shoulder as if someone could see and quickly x-ing out the screen and holding my breath like I had taken a secret drag of a cigarette and didn’t want anyone to know.   (I don’t smoke, but the analogy seemed appropriate) The truth about this is that while I am thinking positive there’s a little voice that tells me I might totally be setting myself up if things don’t work out.  So today, I changed my game.

This morning, I looked down at my hopefully someday soon round belly and said.  “Ok body, I’m gonna need you to pay attention and get down to business.  I’d like to acknowledge that I’m resting, eating well and doing the best I can to support you.  I’m going to need you to step it up internally.  Do your thing, it’s your time to shine – show me what your capable of! We’re in this together and in it to win it!  Let’s grow these cells!” (my father is a huge sports fan and coaching analogies seem to work for me) Once I was done with my pep talk, I decided that I needed to keep up with the words of encouragement and also questions throughout the day.  “Hey body? What do you need right now?” I am so much more comfortable with “Thinking Supportive” than I am with “Think Positive.”  I’m not sure if it feels like I have more control over it (probably so) or if it just feels more realistic. It’s also a practice that allows me to check in with me, rather than thinking the benign “Everything is Gonna Be OK…” I get it, but.. meh…

This week I saw a little bit of energy that my husband and I created together put back inside of me.  We made this happen.  We worked HARD for this to happen and we are still working hard.  I am going to do the very best I can to support the growth 0f what we’ve started and at this point, I’m not going to give everything up to the universe to wait and see if I am given permission to love something because of a positive test (there’s that word again…) I love what is going on inside already and no matter what the outcome is, I think that loving myself is a great practice for me.

To those of you who receive comfort in thinking positive, I say do what works for you and hold on to it when it works! I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject and what’s helped you through this process!