I would like to explain the excessive use of the “F” word in my latest posts. I feel that it has been the perfect expletive to describe the slight pseudo psychosis that has walked beside me since the beginning of this journey. If you are bothered by it, simply replace that word with something nicer, like “pickle” or “fence.” In the meantime, thanks for bearing with me…
Today is Wednesday. Today I returned to work. I had my embryo transfer on Monday, bed/couch rested for Monday and Tuesday and thought that according to recommended schedule that Wednesday would be a great day to return. I had clients set up and ready to go and felt that it was time to go back. Actually, more appropriately, I really felt that if I took more time off than was recommended, I would be seen as taking advantage, over reacting or being paranoid. Sometimes the threat of being misunderstood causes me put my self on a shelf and press on, regardless of how it will affect me in the end.. So I got up, got set and got to work. Immediately upon walking through the door, I realized this was a bad idea.
I’m normally not a morning person in general, but throughout the IF process I have receded further into the non-morning person category and am now in the “please don’t speak to me before noon if you want to keep your head on” category. Between the extreme fatigue, headaches, body aches and morning bathroom checks to make sure there is no evidence of AF, as well as remembering to get a wholesome breakfast in before 7:30, I am lucky if I can muster up a smile before 9am. It was now 8am and I was in pure first-morning-back-at-work panic. I walked through the door of my business and was immediately overcome by a wave of anxiety. It hit me hard and fast – work was the place where I was to take care of others.
Work is the place where there are expectations, where my true personal life takes a back seat to the needs of the business, the staff and the clients. Work is not the place where I can go and be my 100% self. Now, I’m not a phoney at work, I actively practice authenticity and bring my personality into my business daily – it’s what makes my business special. I would say that 75% of my full self is present at work and the other 25% is for home, behind closed doors and with my DH. As the business owner, teacher, boss and community member, I can’t afford to share my deepest darkest struggles or fears with everyone and honestly, that’s not what my clients are paying for. Through this process, distractions are fantastic, but today it was too new, too raw and I realized I hadn’t given myself time to transition from bed/couch rest back to professional life.
On this day, I didn’t want to have to forget about what was hopefully growing inside. I wanted my thoughts to be focused and nurturing to myself, and not to others. I wanted to be selfish and self-centered for once. I wanted to be 100% myself – good and warm, bad and paranoid and more than anything, I wanted to get the hell out of there.
I saw my first two clients and tried to keep the thoughts at bay. “How can I help this person understand without using hands on cuing?” “Is it ok to ask a 74 year old to pick up this heavy piece of equipment for me” It was too much too soon. I was not 100% after 2 procedures over a period of 5 days. I was healing and assimilating to the thoughts of what it means to be gentle with yourself. I was considering pregnancy and even motherhood (but not too much just yet!) I realized that if it were one of my clients, I would have sent me home. So I tool my own advice and went home. Immediately, I felt better.
I’ve taken care of doctor’s appointments, insurance claims, enrolled in support groups, read the books, asked the questions, administered the meds, taught others to administer the meds, switched to decaf or nothing, stopped drinking, survived bad news, walked the dog, cancelled travel, taken the vitamins, educated those who would listen, gone to acupuncture, fertility yoga and instituted a daily meditation practice into my routine. However, all of these tasks are simply that – tasks. Tasks are things to be completed, sometimes under the guise of self care, but I have realized that tasks only take care of 75% of me. It’s the 25% of emotions, inspiration, apprehension, gratitude, faith and yes hope that I need to cultivate in my day. So for today, I’m a 25% girl and tomorrow, I’ll be back at work, with a little more readiness after spending the time to take care of me today.
Thank you for listening.